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[10 Sep 2009|03:08am] |
sometimes i miss more than anything in the entire world.
p.s. obviously more than you know
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[14 Mar 2009|12:46am] |
im always the friend.
im always the brother.
im always just coming into things at the wrong time.
i lose pretty much everything that i get close too.
i realllly, realllllly, hate everything here.
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[08 Feb 2009|08:39pm] |
i hope i can forget about you as fast as possible.
by the way, im contemplating on getting rid of everything i have tied to the internet
besides my email, and my aim, maybe even stop going on there.
cause when im on here, i really dont get any comments on LJ, and i have to see other peoples stupid fucking entries. No one really sends me anything on myspace worth reading, and it kind of is just stupid in general, i might check it every once and a while, but i dont know.
im definietly deleting facebook, there's too many updates.
im just going to continue on my tattoo journey, (im getting lotus flowers tattooed on my feet either monday or tuesday) and continue staying as fucked up as possible when im not at school.
well, this is the last time ill be on here for a while, so
239 810 8092
if you want to talk to me/text me, id rather just start talking to people in person again.
that way i can completely avoid the people i dont want to see/hear from.
and so i can reconnect with the world, maybe it will be good for me.
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[03 Feb 2009|12:17am] |
Hey, haven't seen you around in a while [x4]
I didn't go to work for a month
I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight
I haven't hung out with anyone
'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say
I didn't feel angry or depressed
I didn't feel anything at all
I didn't want to go to bed
And I didn't want to stay up late
When youre living your life, well, that's the price you pay
Whenever I breath out, you're breathing it in
Whenever I speak out, you're speaking out
I didn't go to work for a month
I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight
I haven't hung out with anyone
'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say
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[30 Jan 2009|01:29am] |
...what happened?
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[30 Jan 2009|12:46am] |
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music |
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On the town - Oh No! Oh My! |
] |
if i believed in god
and i could ask him one thing.
it would be that i dont wake up tomorrow.
thatd suck if he ended up being real, and i got there, and he sent me to hell - because that would just be trading one hell for another.
heh.
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[29 Jan 2009|12:53am] |
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music |
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modest mouse - here it comes |
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i really hate you.
i really love you.
why is this fucking music making me cry like a four year old?
oh yeah.
that would be because it reminds me of the happiest ive been in seventeen years.
and how its gone.
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[29 Jan 2009|12:47am] |
i often drift when i drive
havin fatal thoughts of suicide
bang and get it over with
and then im worry free
but thats bullshit.
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[27 Jan 2009|06:41pm] |
i can no longer tell if i am in a severe state of depression or if i really just dont care about living anymore.
it honestly is interesting though.
my days contain me either contemplating if i am one of those two things, thinking about her, or thinking about how most of the time i am seriously thinking about just picking up and leaving and not telling anyone directly.
its not that i want to die because my life is so bad or sad or because love sucks and its just really taking a toll on me, i just have really gotten disgusted with everything.
life has never made any sense to me, any of the hard work i put in to anything has yet to give me any gratification, most of it just ended up in frustration and heart ache.
i dont really need a reason to stop existing, but i do need a reason to continue.
or at least something amazing needs to happen.
or maybe at least at the bare minimum things to pick up just a little bit, as a start.
it really sucks to not be loved anymore by some you still love and yearn for so dearly.
it really sucks not being able to find work, and losing all motivation to even start work.
it really sucks that my family has no money at all.
it really sucks feeling like i dont really have any friends at all, more like just alot of acquaintances.
it really sucks that i havent felt like myself in 6 months.
it really sucks that i am lately feeling like just a big mopey blob that complains alot, but i guess its just a cry out for help from some source that hasnt come to me yet.
it really sucks that all of you are just going to read this as a "pity blog"
but fuck you, its my live"journal" so ill write however im feeling at the time of the post.
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[27 Dec 2008|12:12pm] |
haha, everyone is slowly abandoning me.
sweet.
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[06 Nov 2008|06:29pm] |
i loved, then lost.
its not that much better, fuck that saying.
she was my world
"you give me back my girl, you give me back my life" (those lyrics pour through the nooks and crannys of my mind all the time)
today was really good. but really fucking bad at the same time, it reminded me of when we first started hanging out, but not dating yet. kind of flirty talking around walking around, making jokes.
but i still was happy just to be that close to her, just to talk to her, just to feel her warmth when she hugged me.
it kind of sucks wanting someone so bad, but not wanted back. i think i was too young too get this close to someone and then lose them. i wasnt ready for this. it took my entire world and shattered it.
and the trying never did anything, it was already decided.
its like telling the truth in court but for some god-awful reason the jury has already made up their mind, and you are just left there screaming as the bailiff, takes you away.
i do have an understanding that things will eventually get better. that things will move on, and that there really isnt any hope that we'll ever be together again. but for some reason i just dont want to wait until then.
nor do i really want to be happy without her. i want to be happy with her.
is that fucked up?
i really want to get reallly drunk and high and just pass out without a care in the world.
or i want her to come back over and watch a movie with me and let me just wake up from this nightmare and forget that any of this whole break-up nonsense ever happened.
BUT, at the same time i really want her to be happy. this is apparently is what makes her happy, so why contest it, i love her so much, and if this is what makes her happy, its better to just let her go.
the question of "why doesnt she want me back?" is gone.
i think it'll take a very long time for me to stop thinking about this.
i bite my nails too much because of all this thinking.
all i wanted to do was kiss her today, just grab her, and kiss her, and have all her feelings rush back into her and realize that she would be happy with me.
haha, but its not the movies, this is real fucking life.
and life sucks.
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[02 Nov 2008|09:47am] |
haha
you're fucking dumb.
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[21 Oct 2008|01:06pm] |
fuck this.
fuck everything.
fuck cypress.
fuck trying with you anymore. theres no point.
fuck being sorry for hurting.
fucking the only thing making you sad is "hurting me"
fuck missing it.
fuck thinking about it 24/7
fuck worrying mike, its already over.
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[16 Sep 2008|05:38pm] |
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i miss you like the sun misses the flowers
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[06 Apr 2008|12:24pm] |
life is a fucking drag.
shits not even very enjoyable anymore.
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[05 Oct 2006|02:27pm] |
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x-posted from austins lj
"We got to New College and since we weren't
students, and half of us didn't have IDs
we couldnt get into the show,
so I talked to Brendan Fowler and
he devised a plan to get us in.
Before the show we choreographed dance
moves and things we were going to do,
and then Xiu Xiu let us borrow all
of their percussion instruments,
and we played with Brendan as a 5 piece
version of his band BARR.
Xiu Xiu was super amazing, and they
played with a drummer, which was
really strange to hear.
Pictures soon maybe ? I saw people taking
them while we were playing. Hopefully
they'll find their way to the internet.
Our little setlist thing :
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bootsonmyfeetoi's journal
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